Having a stressful time and my depression is giving me a hard time. I considered having myself admitted again since my need to cut myself and feelings of wanted to commit suicide have spiked. I know that little use would come of it considering nothing changes after I'm out in my home life and I cannot take the medication for depression due to the side effects and interactions with my other meds.
Like most of the time it's triggered by my feelings of being an absolute failure in my life, that I should be farther along in my school and more successful by now. Knowing that I'm 22yrs old and should be graduated by now and becoming so frustrated and scared that time is slipping away and my progress is moving so slowly. Sometimes it seems like the entire world is conspiring to make sure I never succeed. I seem to carry a curse that eventually ruins any good going on in my life.
I'm still working to get back into school after several dismal years of failure. I cringe at the thought of how much money I've lost and have to repay to my grandparents and great aunt and uncle all in the pursuit of some pipe dream to be successful at something. It would seem however that the system still hasn't caught up to individuals with non-visible disabilities. You are criticized and punished for having a disease that is beyond your control.
Today the community college called me and I was surprised to hear that the teacher was wondering why I hadn't been attending classes even though I had spoke with the school and they told me they had cancelled all my classes. I was planning on attending and was ready to pay for my credit hours when I ended up having to call to ask why my account was suspended. They told me it was because they hadn't fixed the status on my account after last semester where my financial aid was suspended and therefore I wouldn't be able to attend this semester and would have to wait till spring. The woman who called today to ask why I hadn't attended directed me to admissions office- where a very clueless woman informed me that my classes hadn't been shut down and that they would be charging me $300 for the full class even though I never attended (and hadn't paid a cent BTW) and that I wouldn't be able to attend classes at the school again until I paid that balance. I very politely told her to "Shove it" and that I wouldn't be paying them one cent and then had a short rant about the issues and displeasure I'd had while attending the school. The fact that they wouldn't accept my doctors notes, that when I signed up for disability services, it was a joke and wouldn't help me with my disability and then when I informed them that the next semester I'd be attending I would finally have my service dog. They gave me a hard time saying that they wanted to "discuss" my need for the animal and it's place at the school.
Today I did research on what is needed for me to transfer to the University and I'm started to seriously panic that I don't have the qualifications or resources to be able to be approved. If that doesn't work for me then I will be seriously f-ked.
Wow.
ReplyDeleteSounds rough. Don't get too caught up in the 'should be' thing though. You will do what you will in your own time. I entered university at the age of 23 and am half way through my undergraduate program (4yrs+ because part time) and working with an invis-ability also. Stay calm, take it one day at a time and don't make it out to be some giant personal failure that you were at the helm of if things don't go the way you plan at first. Depression is a hard thing to deal with when it is co-existing with other things (making no assumptions) but it is something that if you can focus on one aspect of how it affects your life at a time, you can work around it. I'm sure you have heard everything from everyone in your life that I am saying to you now, but that is not really the point. The point is- you know who you are and what you want- that is obvious from this blog. As soon as you are able to focus on it and own it without making excuses and without hiding behind your limitations but by calmly addressing your situations one at a time, and in good times planning for the bad you will be ok. No one can cause you to fail except you, and then only if you give up. The words I live by: Be Specific, Focus, self-esteem, honesty, planning and care. Focus on my goal, build my self-esteem to match my ability, be honest about what that is and what I am doing (making excuses or having trouble adjusting or lost focus?) Specific details and accurate information at hand always. Plan in advance for the bad times and caring- me first (me and what is close to me, then everything else. Only so much energy in the world.)
I want to wish you luck and also to welcome you to Ravelry (I came to your blog from there.)
Techne